Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
