Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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