There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
