I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
