You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
