Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
