Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Someone signed my nipple.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
