Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
