So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i came on her dog
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
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