I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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