maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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