I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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