I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
