who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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