my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
