Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
