I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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