a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
