What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
