why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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