went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
