i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
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