Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
