i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I wish there were birth control emojis
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
