We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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