I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
