i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Randomize
