how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
