My liver just broke up with me...
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I am naked and annoyed.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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