it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
