If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
