Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
