checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
