a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
