So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
