i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
