I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
