Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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