Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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