Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
