My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i came on her dog
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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