I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize