Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
