i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
