He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
