Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
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My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
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Boobs speak an international language.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Your penis caused this!
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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