I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i will never coherently bang her
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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