Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
