Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
