sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize