I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
