just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
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It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
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I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
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