last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
