Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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