I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
