i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
