The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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