My Higher Power is John Stamos
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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